|
a peeve named !#$&!@
back to: my pet peeve ∙
duck & cover
 DISCLAIMER:
You are hereby warned that I break my rule of keeping profanity to a
minimum on this site for this particular rant. Sure, you'll find an
occasional profane utterance on this site, but never the f-bomb. Not
because I don't use it in real life, but because my Grandmother reads this
site. But I'm making an exception because seriously, you guys? Seriously.
This particular rant...well, it required the f-bomb. A lot. Consider yourselves
warned and don't read it if you're easily offended or if you're my Grandmother.
******
And
so anyway, Target.com is the Evil Dead and I hate them.
I'm actually still pretty livid, but I've calmed down enough from
when this whole thing when down, when I was all **FLAIL** and came close
to CAPS LOCKing myself into an anneurism.
Okay, so we busted our asses for the better part of the spring and well
into June working on our yard, trying
to get it to a point that we could enjoy it this summer for the first time
since we moved in. The house looks like a million bucks and the yard has been entirely redone. No plantings -- that'll have to wait until next year --
but everything's been shaped, cleaned out, and barkdusted within an inch
of its life.
During all of this, we were on a quest for a patio table and four chairs
that A) we liked, B) could afford, and C) were comfortable. We trekked all
over Portland to Target, Lowe's, Home Depot, and various indoor/outdoor
furniture stores (even though those were all out of our price range). When
we couldn't find anything that met all three criteria, I started looking
online, even though I don't usually buy anything big like that on the
internet, especially when we need to be able to sit in it. But Target.com,
as it turned out, had a million more sets online than on the floors of
their stores, and we ended up finding a
great
set. So we ordered it. On June 26th. That's going to be important
later.
I get an email a couple of days later that both shipments will be delayed
-- the table until July 10th, the chairs until July 17th. So much for our
two dinner parties over the 4th, but eh, whaddya gonna do? On the 14th,
the freight company calls to say they have our table, can they deliver it
on Monday? And I'm all, um, can't you just deliver it today? Apparently,
no, because that would require efficiency and competence. Fine. I say
yeah, Monday's fine. She tells me we have to be here, which means we have
to take a day off work, until the lady finally says we can leave a note
saying that it's okay to just leave this TWO HUNDRED POUND PACKAGE on our
front step to absolve them of any liability in case someone just randomly,
you know, decides to give themselves a hernia hauling the damn box down
our front steps. Again, whatever, liability, I get it. As soon as I get
off the phone, I walk over to the door and tape a big note in black
sharpie on our front door. Because it was windy, I taped it on the inside
of the door, where it was plainly visible through the glass. Okay, so
blonde moment, I should've figured out on my own they would need to take
it with them. Mea culpa. Monday (the 17th), we get home, no table. Another
voicemail that we get when it's too late to call them, which means I have
to call them the next day for delivery the day after that. Finally, finally, the goddamn thing arrives, we unpack it,
put it together.
To save ourselves all this misery for the chair delivery, we put the note
out pre-emptively and call the freight company to tell them to skip
calling to make the appointment, we've left a note so just bring the
chairs when they get here so we can shave a couple of MONTHS off their
little delivery process. They say they can't do that, they'll still need
to call when it arrives, yada yada. Of course they do.
So finally, on the 20th, the chairs arrive. Two of them are broken.
BROKEN, people! THE GODDAMN CHAIRS WE'VE BEEN WAITING ON FOR ALMOST A
MONTH ARE BROKEN NECESSITATING YET ANOTHER DELAY AND A CALL TO SOME CALL
CENTER WHERE I GET TO BE ON HOLD FOR THIRTY SIX CONSECUTIVE HOURS JUST SO
I CAN TELL THEM THEY SUCK AND I HOPE THEY DIE THE END.
Well, I didn't tell them that, I was very polite, if irate, and the young
man who helped me was actually quite helpful. And I didn't even have to
sit on hold that long, either. Whoop-de-freakin-do. Anyway, he orders
another set of chairs to be delivered, tells me to hang on to the broken
ones in case the next shipment has any damage so we can cull out four
intact chairs, if need be. Sal had already repacked them by this point so
we decided to just leave them all packed up instead of getting out the two
useable ones. So we now have this big hulking box taking up space in our
living room, no chairs on our back patio area, and two more dinner
parties. Good times.
They send an email on the 24th that the chairs have shipped and will
arrive, and I quote, "within 3 to 5 business days". Now, being generous
and giving them five days, and not counting the 24th, that means we should
get a call from the shipping company no later than the 31st, right? Of
course not. Sal calls them on the 1st, they say hmm, sorry, the chairs are
in Ft. Worth, should be here by Thursday (the 3rd). Thursday arrives, no
fucking chairs, no fucking voicemail. He calls them again, they say, hmm,
still sitting in FUCKING FORT WORTH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
I call Target AGAIN. Still polite, somewhat more irate, I tell them to
figure out what the hell the problem is, straighten it out, and get them
on the next slow moving oxcart to Portland and that they're going to
credit me the shipping charges because I could've DRIVEN there and back
for the money they're charging me and had my chairs before I was fifty.
They agree to credit the shipping, follow up on the problem, and expedite
the shipping so the chairs will arrive in Portland on Monday (the 7th).
Which they do. And Sal, calling to verify that they've arrived, learns
that they won't actually deliver them to us until Wednesday (yesterday)
because they're not going to have a truck in our area until then. DEAR
FREIGHT COMPANY I HATE YOU KTHXBYE.
By this point, I'll wait to believe that the chairs are actually going to
be here when they say they will. But yesterday, we get home, the big
hulking box is waiting for us. We start unpacking the box and get the
chairs in place so we can maybe have dinner on our back patio FOR THE
FIRST TIME ALL GODDAMN SUMMER NOW THAT IT'S AUGUST THANK YOU NOT AT ALL.
At least we'll get to use them a little bit.
Out of the two boxes of eight total chairs? FIVE of them were broken.
Yeah, I'll let that sink in for a moment.
I call Target. I'm now livid. Still polite, though. The girl tells me that
they're not supposed to do second replacements, but she can see if her
supervisor will let her make an exception if we want. You better hope so,
kid, because I am this close to crawling through the receiver and beating
you senseless with it. The supervisor grants the exception, but the girl
tells me it's going to take three to four WEEKS to ship, which means we'll
get them sometime around Thanksgiving, and I'm just going to go ahead and
say what the fuck ever to that.
By that point, I was all, YOU KNOW WHAT I DON'T WANT ANY REMINDERS OF THIS
ENTIRE CLUSTERFUCK SO TAKE YOUR BLOODY CHAIRS BACK YOU SADISTIC BASTARDS
AND IF I COULD I'D MAKE YOU TAKE THE TABLE BACK TOO BECAUSE IT'S ONLY
GOING TO REMIND ME OF THE SUMMER I WASTED WAITING FOR YOU CAVALCADE OF
IDIOTS TO SCRATCH YOUR WATCHES AND WIND YOUR BUTTS.
She said she'd credit our account (oh how to thank them for their
kindness) and make arrangements for the BOXES OF BROKEN CHAIRS to be
picked up. In the meantime, we now have two boxes the size of a small
country taking up space in our house, which we have no room for, no
chairs, and another dinner party next
weekend in which we'll have to come up with some creative seating
solutions. We're going to take another stab at trying to buy some chairs
locally, but most everyone's already packed up their summer inventory and
I'm not very hopeful at this point. Oh, and those two boxes full of BROKEN
CHAIRS? Yeah, they'll pick them up in one to two weeks.
I KNOW TARGET DOT COM IS AN AMORPHOUS CORPORATION THAT IS
UTTERLY SOULLESS AND IS THEREFORE NOT A CORPOREAL BEING BUT IF IT DID
INDEED HAVE A PHYSICAL BODY THAT INCLUDED INTERNAL ORGANS I WOULD HATE ITS
GUTS WITH THE WHITE HOT FIRE OF A MILLION BILLION DYING SUNS AND CAST A
POX UPON ITS PROGENY THAT WOULD MAKE THE BLACK PLAGUE LOOK LIKE A FUCKING
NOSEBLEED AND I HATE THEM FOREVER AND EVER AMEN.
08.10.06 |
