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mystery solved
It all began about the
time it started getting warm enough to enjoy lunch at the pub on their
outdoor patio. It was a mysterious ghost, appearing suddenly out of
nowhere, an ethereal beast that drove men to their knees, weeping.
The beast? An outrageously heinous
odor, the kind of funk that makes you hold your breath until you must
simply inhale deeply or choose asphyxiation, so you choose to take a
breath, thinking it can't be as bad as it seemed the first time and then you get
another whiff and you realize that yes, yes it can. The smell of a
thousand baby diapers in the midday sun. The smell of a dumpster full of
rotting food shut into a dark cabinet without any ventilation. The smell
of hundreds of square miles of manure compost piles.
It was the stuff of which
nightmares are made, the kind of thing secret government labs spend years
perfecting as a classified weapon guaranteed to engineer a quick surrender
from the enemy. It was an odor of biblical proportions.
We thought at first that
maybe it was just our neighborhood, that maybe something was rotting on
the waterfront and was just wafting up the hillside. But as I said, we
got up to the pub that day and the smell was
as bad there as anywhere. So bad, in fact, that on the first 80° day of
the year (in April), the St. Johns Pub patio was deserted. Deserted. And
inside,
everyone was wondering what the hell was that smell?
Well, this continued off
and on all summer. As with most bad smells, we thought we'd maybe get used
to it, maybe we'd slowly acclimate and it wouldn't be so sharp,
cloying, and terrifically nauseating. We went to a high
school, after all, that was just across the road from a stockyard.
For three years. In windy Wyoming.
But we never got used to the smell. And judging from the way all of our
neighbors went scurrying inside whenever it came through town,
no one else did, either. It was like Godzilla or Mothra, this thing,
terrorizing an entire community while it laid low the unsuspecting fools
caught unaware.
And then, we received the
following letter from Metro. [My comments are in bold.]
This is not a joke.
August 20, 2003
Dear St. Johns neighbor:
This is to notify you
that trucks should soon begin hauling compost containing lentil beans
[I had to re-read it, too]
away from the American Compost and Recycling facility at 9707 N.
Columbia Blvd. in St. Johns. Metro is requiring this action as a
solution to foul odors
[I think they meant to say "diabolical"] coming from the facility's composting operations.
Metro has directed the company to remove the material by August 28 --
before the start of school and the Labor Day weekend. The work is likely
to cause additional odors temporarily, but once completed, should end
the unpleasant smells that have occurred periodically
[read: pretty much every nice day you might want to spend
outdoors enjoying the lovely weather] this summer.
Background
In April, American
Compost and Recycling received more than 3,500 tons of lentils.
[3,500 tons?!? were they feeding the entire continent of
South America?]
The
lentils -- a kind of bean commonly used in cooking -- were being
transported from Oregon and Washington farms to markets in South America
[apparently, yes they were] when they slipped off a barge into the Columbia River.
[how the hell do 3,500 TONS of lentil beans slip
off a barge???? good god, have these people never heard of bungee
cords?] American Compost
and Recycling is licensed by Metro to accept only yard debris and
clean wood for processing into compost. Metro initially fined the
company $28,000 for accepting the lentils. The company was then allowed
to try to manage the lentils on-site as part of its composting
operation. However, Metro contends that the company has been unable to
meet the odor- and nuisance-related standards
[ya think?] as it has
tried to compost the spoiled lentils, and additional enforcement actions
and fines have been levied. Now, Metro is requiring removal of the
material to solve the odor problems.
After the
lentil-containing piles are removed as directed by Metro, the odors
should be eliminated. However, odors are likely to increase
temporarily as the facility operator digs into the piles in the process
of moving the material.
[um...eww] Odors occur as a natural biological reaction
when organic matter decomposes. You may wish to shut your windows and
doors during the times the odor is most noticeable.
[because we
haven't figured that out for the last four months] Metro also is
directing the facility to spray an odor neutralizer on the piles as they
are moved,
[too bad this didn't occur to them during that grueling 6 day
heat wave of 100° temps] and to transport the material through non-residential
neighborhoods at non-peak commuter hours.
[who gives a crap about the
commuters? they're just passing through, they're not the ones who
have to suffer through the smell.... I say screw the commuters!]
[may the self-congratulatory paragraph begin] As you may know, Metro
regulates private solid waste processing and disposal facilities in the
area. This is part of a broader responsibility for reducing and managing
the region's solid waste in an effective, economical, and
environmentally sound manner. Working with other governments and the
private sector, Metro strives to achieve the highest standards for the
operation of facilities within the Metro region's solid waste management
system. This means ensuring solid waste facilities -- including the one
operated by American Compost and Recycling -- protect the environment,
and the health and safety of the regions residents. Metro is committed
to taking action equal to these principles.
Metro will continue to
monitor the situation at American Compost and Recycling.
[glad to know your crack team of odor detectives is on the case] If the problem
continues, Metro may take additional enforcement action, including
additional fines
[because that's worked so well in the past] and the potential closure of the facility. If you have
any questions or would like a fact sheet about this issue, please call
Metro Recycling Information at (503) 234-3000. If you would like to
contact American Compost and Recycling directly,
[to scream at them for stinking up the joint instead of bitching
at us about the smell] you may call (503)
286-0886.
Respectfully,
[oh, I find that highly doubtful]
Michael Hoglund
[<-- seriously? because...that's...just too easy]
Director, Solid Waste
and Recycling Department
9.1.03 |
