The Hallway: Jokes, Volume 5

The Hallway

...because every house needs a hallway.

November 02, 2006

volume 1 ∙ volume 2 ∙ volume 3 ∙ volume 4 ∙ volume 5

issue 5.01

A Texan, a Californian, and Oregonian are out riding horses. The Texan pulls out an expensive bottle of whiskey, takes a long draught, then another and suddenly throws it into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the bottle in midair.

The Californian looks at him and says, "What are you doing? That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey! The Texan says, "In Texas, there is plenty of whiskey and the bottles are cheap!"

A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Californian pulls out a bottle of Chardonnay, takes a few sips, throws the bottle into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it in midair. The Oregonian can't believe his eyes, "What the heck did you do that for? That was a perfectly good bottle of Chardonnay!" The Californian says, "In California, we have plenty of Chardonnay and bottles are cheap."

So, awhile later, the Oregonian pulls out a bottle of Widmer Hefeweizen. He opens it, takes a sip, and then chugs the whole bottle. He then puts the bottle in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun, and shoots the Californian. The Texan, shocked, says, "Why in the world did you do that?!" The Oregonian replies, "In Oregon, we have plenty of Californians and the bottles are worth a nickel.

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issue 5.08

A blind man enters a ladies bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it’s only fair – since you’re blind – that you know five things:

The bartender is a blonde woman.
The bouncer is a blonde woman.
I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times….”

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issue 5.09

[One of the oldest — and best — jokes around. (Note: despite what the first paragraph says this is not true, of course...snopes.com gives an accurate and fascinating history behind the joke. But whatever, it’s still hilarious.)]

SUBJECT: HELL EXPLAINED SCIENTIFICALLY

The following is an actual (supposedly) question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (giving off heat) or endothermic(absorbing heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa Marie Jennings during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I date you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having a date with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

The student received the only "A" given.

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issue 5.10

THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK

I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again….
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Chaos, panic, & disorder — my work here is done.
Oh I get it... like humor... but different.

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issue 5.11

In Japan, programmers translating Microsoft Windows for Japanese users replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Japanese haiku poetry. Some examples of the Japanese error messages:

A file that big?

It might be very useful.

But now it is gone.

You seek a Web site.

It cannot be located.

Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.

Stop, reflect, and reboot.

Order shall return.

Yesterday it worked

Today it is not working

Windows is like that.