she's the writer, he's the chef

 

The Hallway

 

...because every house needs a hallway.

 

 

 

 

November 02, 2006
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

 

jokes, volume 4

 

volume 1 ∙ volume 2 ∙ volume 3 ∙ volume 4 ∙ volume 5

back to: jokes ∙ duck & cover
 

issue 4.01

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him...what?

(oh, man...this is so bad, it's good)

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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issue 4.02

There was a middle aged man who bought a new Mercedes convertible SLK. He took off down the road, flooring it up to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. “This is great!” he thought and floored it some more. Then he noticed a highway patrol car in his rearview mirror, blue lights flashing and siren blasting. " I can get away from him," thought the man, so he floored it some more and flew down the road at 100 mph. Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing.” So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.

When the trooper came to his window, he said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go with a warning. "

The man looked at the State Trooper & said, "Last week my wife ran off with a State Trooper and I thought you were bringing her back."

The State Trooper said, "Have a nice day.”

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issue 4.04

Classes for men at our local learning center for adults; sign-up by August 14th.

Note: due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants each.**

Topic 1 - HOW TO FILL UP THE ICE CUBE TRAYS. Step by step demonstration with slide presentation.

Topic 2 - THE TOILET PAPER ROLL: DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS? Round table discussion.

Topic 3 - IS IT POSSIBLE TO URINATE USING THE TECHNIQUE OF LIFTING THE SEAT UP AND AVOIDING THE FLOOR, WALLS, AND NEARBY BATHTUB? Group practice.

Topic 4 - FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY HAMPER AND THE FLOOR. Pictures and explanatory graphics.

Topic 5 - THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: CAN THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO THE KITCHEN SINK? Examples on video.

Topic 6 - LOSS OF IDENTITY: LOSING THE REMOTE TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER. Helpline support and support groups.

Topic 7 - LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING. Open forum.

Topic 8 - HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH. Graphics and audio tape.

Topic 9 - REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST. Real life testimonials.

Topic 10 - IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS. Driving simulation.

Topic 11 - LEARNING TO LIVE: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MOTHER AND WIFE. Online class and role playing.

Topic 12 - HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

Topic 13 - HOW TO FIGHT CEREBRAL ATROPHY: REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES, AND CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

**Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

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issue 4.05

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again---but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?

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issue 4.07

Okay, so this isn’t technically a joke, it’s just something that cracked us up so we had to share it (with permission, of course). This is an excerpt from an e-mail from our friends, Gary and Tina. We were wishing each other a happy Thanksgiving and she wrote to tell us what they were planning to do for the holiday. What follows are her words on the subject.

Gary's mom and sister will be here for thanksgiving... we are going to have turkey soup! Gary's even cooking it. Gary and cooking - well you know - he's been kicked out of three kitchens. It hasn't been that bad... his first was a cake out of a box - dry but edible. Second was a beef stew - had so much pepper in it, it kept you really warm. Third was a lemon pepper marinade for chicken - all I can say is "what chicken..." (with a puckered face). The fourth - well he was demoted to a helping hand. He tried to make chicken soup - traditional. It looked and tasted wonderful, then he added the noodles. He added them about two to three hours before I got home from work. They ended up like disintegrating then congealing up into mush... I got home and said - should taste like dumplings... we had big bacon classics that night and the dogs thought they were in heaven with (what we call now...) chicken soup pudding. not even salt could make it taste worse... He gave up for about a week... then tried cake again... he messengered me at work asking if it was supposed to creep up the sides and not the middle... then asked me if it was supposed to flow over the pan... scary enough it tasted good. His second beef stew he didn't ad any salt or pepper... not bad either... just try and imagine chicken pudding.... thought i would throw a laugh your direction ;-) tina

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