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jokes, volume 1
volume 1 ∙
volume 2 ∙ volume 3 ∙
volume 4 ∙ volume 5
back to: jokes ∙
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issue 1.01
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen and
listening to her son playing with his new electric trains in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want
off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop. All of you sons of
bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train now, because we're
leaving".
The mother went into the living room
and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to
your room for two hours. And when you come out, you may play with your trains as
long as you use proper language."
Two hours later, the mother was still
working in the kitchen when her son came out of his room and resumed playing
with his trains. The train stopped and the mother heard, "All passengers who are
disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings. We thank
you for riding with us today and hope your trip was pleasant one. For those just
boarding, we ask you to stow your luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy
your trip. For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please
see the bitch in the kitchen".
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issue 1.03
Q: What do you call a Raggedy Ann doll lying facedown in the mud with a
rock in its mouth?
A: A dirty cotton rock sucker.
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issue 1.04
Q: Why do black widow spiders kill their mates after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it
starts.
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issue 1.05
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he
thought was empty.
He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when he
heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house,
so the burglar crept forward. "Jesus is watching you!" the voice boomed again.
The frightened burglar stopped dead.
Frantically, he looked all around; in
a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage with a parrot inside. He asked the parrot,
"Was that you who said ‘Jesus is watching me’?"
"Yes," replied the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of
relief, then asked the parrot, "What’s your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That’s a dumb name for a parrot,"
sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
Replied the parrot, "The same idiot
who named the Doberman Jesus."
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issue 1.06
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When
I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to
the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So, the next Sunday,
he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous
and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office
after mass, he found the following note on the door:
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Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
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There are 10 commandments, not 12.
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There are 12 disciples, not 10.
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Jesus was consecrated, not
constipated.
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Jacob wagered his donkey, he did
not bet his ass.
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We do not refer to Jesus Christ as
the late J.C.
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The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are
not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
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David slew Goliath, he did not kick
the shit out of him.
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When David was hit by a rock and
knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
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We do not refer to the cross as the
"Big T".
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When Jesus broke the bread at the
Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say,
"Eat me."
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The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary
with the Cherry."
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The recommended grace before a meal
is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
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Next Sunday there will be a taffy
pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
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issue 1.07
Rednecks are not just a local blight – they're a menace to the entire
universe. If you suspect that the local Jedi on your planet is a redneck, here
are a few dead give-aways….
Your Local Jedi might be a Redneck
if:
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He can easily describe the taste of
a Bantha…without using the word "chicken."
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He observes that the worst part of
spending time on Dagobah is the "dadgum skeeters."
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He’s heard his father holler:
"Shoot, son, come on over t' the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
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More than half the droids he owns
don't function.
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He's ever used Jedi mind control to
talk his way out of a speeding ticket.
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He's ever strangled someone with
the force because they laughed at his accent.
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He's ever wrecked a landspeeder
while trying to light a cigarette with a lightsaber.
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The Rancor monster refused to eat
him. . .twice.
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His Jedi robe is in a camouflage
pattern.
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He thinks the best use for his
light saber is to clean his teeth.
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At least one wing of his X-Wing is
primer colored.
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There is a blaster rack in the back
of his landspeeder.
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He has Bantha horns on the front of
his landspeeder.
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He has ever had an X-wing up on
blocks in his yard.
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He ever lost a hand during a
light-saber fight because he had to spit.
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He has had his R-2 unit use its
self-defense electro-shock thingy to light the barbecue grill.
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He has fuzzy dice hanging in the
cockpit of his X-Wing.
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He’s used a storm trooper helmet as
a spittoon.
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He bought you hanging air
fresheners for your X-Wing at Christmas time.
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His favorite bar caters primarily
to smugglers and bounty hunters.
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He thinks Jabba the Hutt really
knows how to pick up good looking chicks.
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Wookies are offended by his B.O.
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He’s got a stuffed womp rat from
Begger's Canyon on his mantle.
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His initiation into the Rebellion
required parallel parking the Millenium Falcon.
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He’s ever given someone a wedgie by
using the Force.
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He’s flying a ship that has no
original parts.
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He didn't read the whole Jedi
manual because there were no pictures.
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He’s moved from planet to planet to
avoid Imperial storm troopers.
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His beer belly puts Jabba the Hutt
to shame.
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His best practical joke was
sticking a banana in Boba Fett's tail pipe.
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He has ever used baling wire and/or
duct tape to make repairs on his landspeeder.
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He believes duct tape is like the
Force: it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
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issue 1.08
A police officer had just pulled over a car full of nuns for going too
slow on a major highway. The conversation went like this:
Police officer: "Why were you driving
so slowly?"
Nun driver: "I kept seeing all these
signs with the number 20 on them and figured that was the speed limit."
Police officer: "No, Sister, that’s
the highway number."
Nun: Oh, I’m so sorry, Officer, I
didn’t know that."
Then the police officer looked into
the back seat and saw that the nuns there had panic-stricken faces and white
knuckles from holding on to each other too tightly.
Police officer: "What’s wrong with
the nuns in the back seat?"
Nun: "Oh, we just got off Highway 101
a few miles ago."
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issue 1.09
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal she couldn't
help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of
the evening, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the
housekeeper than met the eye. Reading his Mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I
know what you must be thinking, but I assure you my relationship with my
housekeeper is purely professional."
About a week later, the housekeeper
came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable
to find the beautiful silver ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but
I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear
Mother: I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not
saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle; but the fact remains that one has been
missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later John received a
letter from his mother which said: "Dear Son: I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep
with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your
housekeeper, but the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she
would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
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issue 1.10
THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR:
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When there's only one other person
in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
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Push the buttons and pretend they
give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
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Ask if you can push the button for
other people, but push the wrong ones.
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Call the Psychic Hotline from your
cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
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Hold the doors open and say you're
waiting for your friend. After awhile, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg.
How's your day been?"
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Drop a pen and wait until someone
reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
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Bring a camera and take pictures of
everyone in the elevator.
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Move your desk in to the elevator
and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
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Lay down a Twister mat and ask
people if they'd like to play.
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Leave a box in the corner, and when
someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking
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Pretend you are a flight attendant
and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
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Ask, "Did you feel that?"
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Stand really close to someone,
sniffing them occasionally.
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When the doors close, announce to
the others, "It's okay, they open up again."
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Swat at flies that don't exist.
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Tell people that you can see their
aura.
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Call out, "group hug!", then
enforce it.
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Grimace painfully while smacking
your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
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Crack open your briefcase or purse,
and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
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Stand silently and motionless in
the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
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Stare at another passenger for a
while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
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Wear a puppet on your hand and use
it to talk to the other passengers.
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Listen to the elevator walls with
your stethoscope.
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Make explosion noises when anyone
presses a button.
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Stare, grinning at another
passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."
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Draw a little square on the floor
with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space!"
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issue 1.11
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they
drew. Occasionally, she walked around the room to see each child's artwork. As
she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the little
girl was drawing.
The little girl replied, "I'm drawing
God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no
one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat or looking up
from her drawing the little girl replied, "They will in a minute."
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issue 1.12
"Your Honor, my wife is just being ridiculous. Most women would love to
have a husband who still believes in chivalry and I was only opening the door
for her out of chivalry."
"Mr. Smith," replied the judge, "I am
granting the divorce. I cannot believe chivalry was your motivation while
driving sixty-five miles per hour."
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