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porch & exterior, part 4:
back porch repair
requiring the structural equivalent of an underwire
bra
When we moved into the
house, the back porch had a strange assortment of fiberboard and
low-grade plywood scraps attached to the bottom as some kind of
"skirting". Originally, it would've been skirted in the same hardwood
siding, but at some point, the previous owners apparently decided they
really didn't go for that classic practical style, it just wasn't white
trash enough for them. Undoubtedly they had a reason for removing the
siding to access the porch underneath, but why in the world they chose to
replace it with whatever scraps they could scrounge up is beyond me. But
then, why they did 95% of the things they did to this house is beyond me,
so that's not really saying a lot.
Still, we let it be for
quite awhile. It wasn't hurting anything, ugly though it was, and at least
it served the purpose of preventing critters from taking up residence
underneath our back porch. And really, we had more pressing home
improvement priorities.
In the Fall of 2004, after
a couple of inspirational days at the the Home & Garden show, we had a
burst of motivation to put the yard in order. We were at least a year away
from doing any real work on the yard and landscaping, but we figured we
could at least tame it a little.
So we took advantage of
the last warm fall weather and spent some time doing some general
maintenance on the yard that we’d been neglecting all summer while we
worked on the attic. Sorted through all
the leftover paneling to decide what could stay and what to get rid of,
ordered a big dumpster for all of that plus the leftover drywall scraps,
moved the last pile of dirt in the yard up to our little “turret” area
where the shed will eventually go, chopped down the primeval forest of
grassy weeds in our big front planting bed (don’t even get me started),
weeded out the beds along the back fence, tilled the two sidewalk beds and
put down corn gluten
(all natural weeding miracle of the gods), cleared out the miscellaneous
stuff we’d been stacking on the back of the house for lack of anywhere
else to put it, and just generally organized things. You know.
Clearing out the stuff
along the back of the house meant we could finally – finally! – level out
the patio area at the base of the slope in anticipation of putting down
the gravel surface. It also meant we could tear off that bizarre
"skirting" menagerie.
And it felt great! One less reminder of the previous
owners, one step closer to putting this house back in order.
Of course, it never,
ever, just ends there. Of course it doesn't.
So you know what the
owners before us were like. And you know the small- and large-scale
disasters they’ve wrought on this poor house. If you need a refresher
course, reacquaint yourself with the horrors of such gruesome tales as,
“The Bathroom, Part 1 – Demolition”,
“The Attic, Part 1 – Work Begins”, or,
if you have the stomach for it, “Tearing
Out the Carpet”. Viewers are strongly cautioned. And if you’re a
long-time reader of the newsletter, you’ll recall the charming little
episodes, like when we first moved in and had to
clean the kitchen. And that
god-forsaken stove. And when we
planted the Japanese Maple.
Remember that whole thing about burying the plastic sacks all over the
yard? Well, apparently, “all over the yard” also includes “under the
porch”. And “plastic sacks” also includes “other miscellaneous junk”. Like
disintegrating t-shirts. And more weirdo concrete formations. And broken
toys. And bits of unidentified something-or-other. And a skeleton of a
small animal. Oh, and also? Plastic effing sacks. Grrrr.
The back porch sits about
three feet off the ground (hence the necessity of skirting). There are
three main support posts that sit on concrete footings, several large
support beams that run horizontally the length of the porch, and three
large crossbeams* that run from the support posts into the foundation. All
very sturdy and well-built. This is a Craftsman, after all.
*(I say that there are
three large crossbeams, when in point of fact we actually have two
large crossbeams and where the third one should be, we have instead
a stack of TWO BY FOURS in lieu of an actual CROSS BEAM! FOR THE LOVE OF
ALL THAT IS HOLY WHY WOULD ANYONE DO SOMETHING SO INCREDIBLY STUPID AND
OMG SO HALF-ASSED THAT IT GIVES HALF-ASSEDNESS A BAD NAME AND SERIOUSLY
WOULDN'T YOU JUST HAVE TO CHECK OUT OF THE HUMAN RACE IF YOU WERE THAT
LAZY BECAUSE OXYGEN IS COMPLETED WASTED ON YOU?)
Ahem.
When they built things
like this back in the day, concrete foundations were pretty low profile,
so they barely cleared the surface of the dirt. Newer houses use pier
blocks instead, because they keep the wood several inches off the ground,
which significantly decreases the chances of dry rot or insect
infestation. We knew from our house inspection that one corner of the
porch has a small case of dry rot because over the years, the concrete
post foundation got covered with a layer of dirt, which eventually led to
the rot. Not the best thing in the world, but hardly a crisis. (Our
neighbor fixed a similar problem by jacking up the corner of his porch and
replacing the offending post with new treated lumber and reinforcement
braces. In other words, something we could handle ourselves.)
Turns out that was the
least of our problems. In the course of Sal’s cleaning operation, he
accidentally knocked against the center crossbeam with the shovel…and the
wood showered down to the ground in a horrifyingly fine rain of sawdust.
The energy went right out
of us at that point. Because it meant either carpenter ants or termites
and either way, yet another detour of time, finances, and energy on our
other projects. Although I don’t know why we’re still surprised by such
developments. After all, it’s not as if we haven’t been conditioned in the
time we’ve owned this house to expect these things.
For your own reference, if
you find yourself in a similar situation, cross your fingers and pray to
whatever deity you worship that it’s carpenter ants. Takes longer for them
to establish themselves and do significant damage and they’re relatively
easy to get rid of. Termites require the insect extermination equivalent
of full out nuclear war, along with the GNP of a small third world
country.
Well, the pest control guy
came out, took a look, and in five minutes, pronounced, “Carpenter ants!”
And my sigh of relief was big enough to topple nearby trees. He inspected
the basement (the east side of the house is where the back porch attaches
and the cross beams underneath run right through the foundation into the
basement) for any signs that they’d penetrated that far and delivered the
additional very good news that we caught the problem early and the damage
was relatively contained. They hadn’t made it into the house itself, were
basically nested in that support beam, and hadn’t even compromised the
floor or any of the rest of the porch. If I had been single and not
already suffering through the fifth day of the ten day flu (or possibly,
malaria), I would’ve kissed that man.
Unfortunately, that was
the best news of the whole affair. We still had, after all, a
structurally-compromised back porch that would require significantly more
work, tools, and skills than we possess. And resources, for that matter.
It wasn't something that had to be taken care of the next day, but it also
wasn't something we could put off for long.
It took a year before we
had the resources to hire a general contractor to do the work. It was
costly, though they did a really great job and were well worth the price
for all the work they did -- jacking up the entire porch, pulling
out all the damaged posts and beams, installing new pier blocks, putting
in new support posts and beams, treating everything, bolting everything
together, installing Simpson
braces, and finishing it all off with nice, new hardwood siding. The whole
project took about a day -- when I left for work that morning, our poor
porch was all deteriorated and sad, and by the time I came home, it was
all strong and spiffy.
There's no way we could've
done that work on our own, never mind as quickly as they did it, which
just proves Home Improvement Law #3: know when you're in over your head
and it's time to call in the professionals.
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